Prompt: What movie, poem, musical composition, or novel has most influenced your life and the way you see the world.
I thrust myself into a lot of beginnings, neglecting the fact that there will be an ending. I will have to say goodbye, to moments, people, a version of myself. There is always a last to everything, and lasts scare me, the transition from present to past and realizing that you'll never feel that way again about something or someone in that moment, ever again. To relieve the fear, I draft goodbyes and last words in my head to possibly ensure the last moment has the perfect ending. "That didn’t happen, of course. Things never happen the way I imagine them". With constant practice in the "imperfect goodbyes" department I have become perfectly polished in saying the wrong things and wishing I had done something different. One day, I opened the pages to a mediocre character. Despite his mediocrity, I could empathize similar feelings to him. Feelings I solely thought I had. , “It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.” Miles Halter, from "Looking For Alaska" was the slightly more obnoxious, but less depressing version of myself but more importantly, his conquest for the perfectly beautiful last words, he was tired of being predictable so he figured traveling away from his home would lead him to the "Great Perhaps". He always believed there was something more for him. There was nothing that spoke more to me than that.
Soon after page one became a hundred and one, and Miles had spent most of his time at Culver Creek boarding school getting hazed by Weekday Warriors, pulling pranks on the Eagle (headmaster) ditching class, to go drink and smoke with his friends, and falling for the confident hot mess that was Alaska. I noticed that my flaws and vices had come to life in these characters and every doubt I had ever had about growing up had been illuminated through these characters."When adults say, "teenagers think they are invincible" they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken." It was true, every person that has ever used, hurt, or wronged me, I forgave and forgot. I am the person to beats myself up the most, and I have always forgiven myself. Although, Miles constantly avoided the inevitable, spending most of his time drinking and smoking instead of doing things that actually mattered, he had the courage to say everything that he believed in. Things that I buried away and ignored because I was too scared for the outcome " At some point you just have to pull off the band aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you are relieved."
If my life was a book, I would be Miles Halter #2, minus to the ditching class, drinking, and smoking pot. I always tried to please and impress everyone without even wondering if I was proud of myself and I was stuck in my "own labyrinth of suffering." He was the more fearless, impressive version of me that I had always wanted to be and I felt like I could be, as long as I stayed in the four corner pages of his world. "At some point we look up and realize we are all lost in a maze." I was so dedicated and fixated on impressing people with my perfect moments, because I was too scared to just live the moment placed right in front of me. And I lost out on some really great times. "Entropy increases. Things fall apart." I thought Miles was my teacher and I was going to find the perfect words through his own, but really the things that stood out to me about Miles, I already knew about myself. We have a defining moment, that cause us to be a certain way for the rest of our lives, Alaska had hers when she was eight, others had theirs. But Miles and I, we are still waiting for that moment, sadly his became before mine.
I always strived so far for the perfect words to say to someone. But when the ending of Miles's story came around and his defining moment approached himself, I finally began to understand that the perfect moment doesn't come in the words, the perfect words come in the moment. His life didn't go the way he imagined it, he lost someone very important to him and he didn't get any last or perfect words with them either. But he had something better, he had all the words in between, and in losses, no one is going to remember how you felt or what you said in the last couple seconds. You can't be scared of the endings just because they may not be perfect, "scared isn't a good excuse. Scared is just an excuse everyone has always used." And although I still poke and prod my brain for the right words, I have come to accept the fact that they can't possible account for all the right, good, great words I said without even thinking twice. Miles Halter's last words were, "Thomas Edison's last words were," It's very beautiful over there". I don't know where these is, but I hope it's beautiful." I'm no longer in search for the perfect endings, just enjoying the middle because that's all you will have and even if it's time for last words and endings. So I'm not going to scrounge my mind for the perfect words, maybe, I don't even have them yet, but one day, it would be nice to end beautifully.
Soon after page one became a hundred and one, and Miles had spent most of his time at Culver Creek boarding school getting hazed by Weekday Warriors, pulling pranks on the Eagle (headmaster) ditching class, to go drink and smoke with his friends, and falling for the confident hot mess that was Alaska. I noticed that my flaws and vices had come to life in these characters and every doubt I had ever had about growing up had been illuminated through these characters."When adults say, "teenagers think they are invincible" they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken." It was true, every person that has ever used, hurt, or wronged me, I forgave and forgot. I am the person to beats myself up the most, and I have always forgiven myself. Although, Miles constantly avoided the inevitable, spending most of his time drinking and smoking instead of doing things that actually mattered, he had the courage to say everything that he believed in. Things that I buried away and ignored because I was too scared for the outcome " At some point you just have to pull off the band aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you are relieved."
If my life was a book, I would be Miles Halter #2, minus to the ditching class, drinking, and smoking pot. I always tried to please and impress everyone without even wondering if I was proud of myself and I was stuck in my "own labyrinth of suffering." He was the more fearless, impressive version of me that I had always wanted to be and I felt like I could be, as long as I stayed in the four corner pages of his world. "At some point we look up and realize we are all lost in a maze." I was so dedicated and fixated on impressing people with my perfect moments, because I was too scared to just live the moment placed right in front of me. And I lost out on some really great times. "Entropy increases. Things fall apart." I thought Miles was my teacher and I was going to find the perfect words through his own, but really the things that stood out to me about Miles, I already knew about myself. We have a defining moment, that cause us to be a certain way for the rest of our lives, Alaska had hers when she was eight, others had theirs. But Miles and I, we are still waiting for that moment, sadly his became before mine.
I always strived so far for the perfect words to say to someone. But when the ending of Miles's story came around and his defining moment approached himself, I finally began to understand that the perfect moment doesn't come in the words, the perfect words come in the moment. His life didn't go the way he imagined it, he lost someone very important to him and he didn't get any last or perfect words with them either. But he had something better, he had all the words in between, and in losses, no one is going to remember how you felt or what you said in the last couple seconds. You can't be scared of the endings just because they may not be perfect, "scared isn't a good excuse. Scared is just an excuse everyone has always used." And although I still poke and prod my brain for the right words, I have come to accept the fact that they can't possible account for all the right, good, great words I said without even thinking twice. Miles Halter's last words were, "Thomas Edison's last words were," It's very beautiful over there". I don't know where these is, but I hope it's beautiful." I'm no longer in search for the perfect endings, just enjoying the middle because that's all you will have and even if it's time for last words and endings. So I'm not going to scrounge my mind for the perfect words, maybe, I don't even have them yet, but one day, it would be nice to end beautifully.
